Abe Lincoln didn’t take no shit from no one. A man spit in his salad and Abe kicked his ass. He wasn’t going to take that shit. That’s why I like Abe Lincoln.
My aunt never let me eat “Lego My Ego,” waffles. No Mrs. Butterworth’s – nothin’ like that. Sometimes I wished Abe Lincoln would kick her ass in the same way he did that man. He’d say something like, “Four score and seven years ago. . . and right now I gonna kick this woman’s butt to Mrs. Butterworth heaven!!!!!!!” Then he’d punch her.
Abe Lincoln wore a hat. He was tall. And when he wasn’t digging around in his pockets for change, which he almost always was for some unknown reason, you could see that he had very large hands. He kicked people’s asses with those hands. They were fists O’ steel.
Some people learned. They went to school and they learned about conjunctions and the Dewy Decimal System and the four food groups. Bread is not in the Dairy group. It is a grain. You need to eat bread AND milk to be a healthy man. Abe knew that but he wasn’t concerned with all that. He kicked people’s asses. Abe would meet you across the street at the gas station after school and he would kick your ass.
One time I saw this woman on a bus selling raffle tickets for a quilt. She smelled like mothballs and her hair was up in a bun, and she had many wadded up pieces of tissue overflowing from her purse. Abe Lincoln preferred Kleenex brand tissue. He had a box of Kleenex with antique cars printed on the box and another with nautical instruments. The box looked like a map.
One day a man asked for “tissue.” Abe looked deep in thought as he often did before many of his speeches, and then he royally kicked that man’s ass. “I proclaim! You is a free man, but I call it Kleenex you dumb shit!” he said as he walked away.
I feel like I know Abe Lincoln. His boots walked a million miles. He should have worn Keds or hiking boots. They say a man who walks a million miles is one smart motherfucker. And Abe Lincoln was one smart motherfucker too. He could tell you about the Israelites. He could tell you that earthworms come up to the surface of the earth when it rains because they can’t be breathin’ underground with all of the water. But you couldn’t ask him about trains or he would kick your ass. That was the one subject he would not talk about. No one knows why.
They say that they put loose change on Abe’s eyes when he died. Yes, he died. Some other guy named “Boot” royally kicked Abe’s ass with a gun. Think of that: one day you’re standing there with your nautical-style Kleenex box, waiting at the gas station to kick someone’s ass and someone comes up and BLAM and ten minutes later you’re dead and people take the change from your pockets and put it all in your eyes.
It’s a good thing Abe was dead and could not raise from the grave like Jesus did. Jesus moved the stone to his tomb, rose from the grave and went out to supper. He was hungry. But if Abe rose from the grave, he wouldn’t have had time for Suppers, Disciples, moving stones or anything.
“Four score and seven years ago,” Abe would say, “I ain’t no damn change sorter and I got no time for trains!!” Then Abe would royally kick everyone’s ass.