by Craig Mitchell (or you)

The Bionic Man was an astronaut. Astronauts are really cool, they get to fly in space and everything, except they have to pee in a can when they have to go. Steve Austin peed in cans too. But he was lucky enough to be able to get the job of Bionic Man.

Steve Austin had a spaceship plane. He was flying about. No problems. Then without warning you hear him on the radio talking in his NASA, scratchy radio voice saying, “SHeezzzz ..zzt .zzzt Breeeakzzzing Up!!! Zzt SHeezzzz ..zzt .zzzt Breeeakzzzing Up!!! I can’t hold it. ” When my parents take me on trips and I can’t hold it, I just pee in a Shasta can. But you see, Steve had worse problems, he had a “blow-out in damper three.”

The Bionic Man hit the ground like the worst sledding accident I have ever seen. Sleds typically run into a tree or the side of some kid’s house, but we’re talking a blow-out in damper three here. Some serious shit. He was out of there. Like having some kid chuck a rock into the side of your head in a dirt clod fight. They had to peel him off the runway. But they rebuilt him.

“…… Steve Austin. Astronaut. A man barely alive.” Oscar Goldman gave them 6 million dollars to rebuild Steve. He called it “chump change.” Oscar told them to make Steve “better, stronger and faster.” He wasn’t very specific but they did a good job anyways. Oscar was kind of screwed up. He wanted to call him the “Chump Change Man” and make him wear a cape. Instead, O.S.I settled on calling him “the Six Million Dollar Man.” Instead of a cape, he wore jogging outfits. My Dad bought me a jogging outfit once. It was signed by Bruce Jenner. My Dad said I looked “sharp.”

Steve Austin got better. He had to get used to his new powers. For awhile he was breaking his shoe laces when he tried to tie them. This really pissed him off. It was frustrating – these new powers and all. He punched a lot of holes in his hospital room wall in his anger. They made him fill the holes with something called “spackle.”

He also had a Bionic eye. He could see for miles and miles. The Bionic Eye makes a different noise than the normal Bionic noise. It sounds like a bird. Very pretty. That’s probably how he met Farrah Faucet. He was probably giving her the ‘ole Bionic eye. They got married.

To let off steam, the Bionic Man started racing horses – but not at the track. I mean, he would see a horse and just start running. The horse would get the idea and start running too. He usually beat the horse by many necks. No problem. Horses come in many different breeds. Some of them are called “Wild Fury” or “Harry’s Pride” or “Secretariat.” The Six Million Dollar Man didn’t care what their name was as long as they were up for a race. He is faster than anything. He can run faster than Kenny’s Trans-Am or a train.

The Bionic Man is also very strong. He is even stronger than the Incredible Hulk. My brother doesn’t think so. He thinks the Hulk would kick the Six Million Dollar Man’s ass. But think about it, like they would really fight in the first place. The Hulk would be all mad, and tearing shit up and he’d start coming towards Steve. But the Bionic Man would just stand there with that Bionic Man half grin and say, “easy there big fella.” They’d end up Indian wrestling or something. The Six Million Dollar Man is just too nice of a guy. The Hulk is mean and mad, but you’d be mad too if you had to be “Eddie’s Father” in real life. Eddie’s father is Bill Bixby.

The Bionic Man does not cower to anyone. He’s a nice guy, but if you get him on the ground and try to make him say “uncle.” No way. He won’t do it. He’ll throw you into the air a couple of hundred feet. But it will all be in slow motion anyway, so you don’t notice. You wouldn’t even know you were being thrown if it weren’t for that Bionic sound.

The funny thing is that the Bionic Man had this thing about pulling trees out of the ground and beating people with them. There are a lot of things he could pull out of the ground, like lightposts. But Steve Austin likes trees. They work like a giant broom. And they sound better when you’re making that Bionic noise and the bad guys are running in slow motion.