How are you supposed to act when someone is stripping for you? It’s a question I considered a moment ago before my brain went back into lust-mode and I became consumed in watching her unbuckle her belt and slide her pants off.
Do you grin like a cat and say things like, “Vaa-vaa Vooom,” and “Ooh Laa Laaa?” Do you pretend to be pensive like you’re an artist studying the beauty of the human body? Do you act like a teen sheepishly trying to hide that raging hard-on? Well, if it’s latter then there’s no hiding anything for me. I guess it really doesn’t matter. I decide not to worry about it. I think I’ll just stand here and smile.
And another silly little mystery, what do you call the female equivalent of underwear? Here’s the dilemma: if you call them underwear it brings to mind the imagery of saggy white men’s briefs with that crappy elastic band at the top. That’s no good, especially where beautiful young women like Elizabeth Birdstall are concerned. But say the word ‘panties’ and you end up sounding like the drooling old man at the bus stop. You know, he’s the smelly old man on the bench that sounds just like the guy from the movie “Sling Blade” and he’s rubbing his crotch and mumbling, “Panties…. I need to touch panties, show me your frilly white panties little girl…”
Despite any misconceptions you might have, she’s wearing these tiny silver glossy panties as she kicks her pants off against the fence. Or at least she was a second ago. Now they’re on her finger and she’s as naked as I am.My brain is in a state of confusion. Little did I know when Tim and I left work today for happy hour that by the end of the night I would be standing naked in a horse pasture in Chesterfield with a completely naked beautiful girl that I hardly even know.
She does a little spin and gives me the whole view, and then she just stands there without an ounce of visible embarrassment, smiling at me and obviously enjoying the fact that my tongue is probably lolling out like a dog. I’m moving towards her when she starts running! I guess I’m a little stunned by the nudity of the situation because it takes me a long time to react. I watch her bouncing away into the darkness and she’s nearly out of sight before the thought hits me. Run! She’s streaking! Run you idiot! And then I’m right behind her. We go running across the pasture just like Bogart did earlier.
“WOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!’ I scream. If you’re ever running around naked it’s important for you to scream at the top of your lungs and whoop and holler. You can call it whatever you want, “whoop and holler, “hoot and holler,” “screaming” etc. But it sounds the same in any language. “WhhhhooooooOOOooooooooooooooooooo!!!”
We loop up through the upper pasture at a full gallop. I nearly hit the ground after stumbling over a fallen tree. If my eyes hadn’t been fixated on her cute little ass I might have seen it. Remind me not to fall down, Ok? It’s one thing to be the naked guy and be running around — but I don’t think I want to be a scratched-up, dirty mud covered running naked guy.
We run past Bogart at the top of the pasture. He stops eating to check us out as we come running by. I wonder what’s going through his head? “First they let me out into the pasture in the middle of the night and now they’re running around with no clothes on. What the fuck?” Elizabeth stops to catch her breath near the fence and I finally catch up with her, grabbing her from behind and pulling her in.
For a few minutes we just embrace, mouths struggling to pull in more air and kiss at the same time. Pretty sloppy way to kiss actually – when you’re out of breath. Our hands start wandering. “Aren’t you glad we did this?” she asks.
“Yeah. This is great!” I say. “It’s one thing to be totally naked at home, in bed or the shower or something but I’ve never run around outside without any clothes on. It’s kind of exhilarating actually, to feel the open air on your body. And my head is… I dunno, I guess it’s just throbbing with adrenaline.”
“Yeah, and something else too…” she says. She kneels down and for a second I think I’m going to get my favorite thing, but she’s just inspecting the merchandise up close. It’s kind of weird to see her down there, curiously playing around with it. And then she gets up, gives me a quick sloppy kiss and then she’s hopping the fence. I watch transfixed as she vaults over the three wooden planks. Her body goes through some wonderful bouncy movement as she hops over that fence and you know, I have to admit – the pervert in me wouldn’t mind having an instant-replay in slow motion.
“WHhhhhhoooooooOOOOOOOooooooooo!!!!!!” she screams, running off into the darkness. Luckily it’s just open acreage and forest in the immediate vicinity. I scan the area for any houses that might be nearby but I don’t see any. I guess this is cool…
“Hey, wait up!” I yell from behind. I try to jump over the fence and nearly rack myself in the process. Remind me not to rack myself when I’m running around naked. That would hurt. I hit the ground running but she’s got a pretty good lead on me. Running along behind her, every once in a while I just start laughing until I’m doubled over and can hardly run anymore. I can’t believe I’m running around naked. And there’s something about being naked that just makes me laugh. Even the word is funny. Naked.
If you don’t know what I’m talking about, the next time someone asks you a question give it a try. Just insert the word into your answer even if it’s inappropriate to the question. You know, someone asks you. ‘Hey, you wanna go to lunch with us?” And you reply: ‘I’m naked!!! Sure! I’ll go!’ They might not understand your answer but I’m pretty certain they’ll think it’s funny. Because naked is a funny word.
“WhhhhooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooo!!!! I’m the naked guy!!!” I scream. This run and rest thing goes on for about a half an hour and a pattern is starting emerge. She runs ahead, I catch up. We kiss and fondle and catch our breath and then she’s running again. I figure her strategy here is drive desire up to 150% before we end up at some grassy field she knows about. It’s working.
“I have something for you!” She yells from somewhere up ahead in the darkness. I start running faster and before long I can see her white body in the moonlight up ahead. Finally I catch up to her where she’s standing in a grove of trees. I lean against a tree gasping for breath. I’m not in that bad out of shape but I think we’ve run a couple of miles.
“Go ahead,” she says.
“What??” I ask.
“Put your hands on me,” she says. I’m not going to argue with her. But I think this has to be the first time in my life that someone has said that. I don’t know why but I kind of like it.
“Put one… right there,” she says pointing. And as soon as I do she’s on me. As we kiss and she takes an occasional nip at my lips and sometimes it feels like she’s trying to suck my mouth into hers. It’s an interesting way to go about it that’s for sure. I glance around at our surroundings while she’s occupied with other stuff. We’ve stopped in a clearing near a grove of woods. I notice something shiny off to the left but it’s kind of hard to make out what it is through the trees, especially with Ms. Distraction toying around down below. It’s a car!!! No wait! It’s a whole fucking parking lot!! We must have run all the way to that strip mall I saw off in the distance. I hate to stop her from what she’s doing. I really shouldn’t, but I want to make absolutely certain that this is the end of the line.
“Hey,” I say, tapping her on top the head to get her attention. “That’s a parking lot over there.” She looks up at me and grins but doesn’t say anything and goes back to what she was doing. “Where are we going little naked girl? Do you have a destination in mind or something?”
“I dunno,” she says, grinning up from me. I only have half her attention. “I thought we’d go streak through this strip mall, maybe stop in at Taco Bell for a few Chilitos and some soft tacos,” she says. “I’m kind of hungry.”
I start laughing. Then I start laughing harder because I’m trying to imagine us standing at the counter at Taco Bell naked.
‘Good Evening sir can I take your order?’
‘Well sure, for starters – I’m naked!!!” I’d say. “And I’d like two soft tacos, a Meximelt and some pintos and cheese.’
Then Elizabeth would say, ‘Hi! I’m naked too! And I’d like a soft taco, a Mexican pizza, some hot sauce, and would you put your hands on me please.’
She stands up and gives me a peck on the lips.
“I’m serious.” She grins. “Let’s do it. You only live once.”
“What?! Are you fucking crazy? No way.” I laugh. I should have known better. I should have known it wouldn’t just be a naked run through the woods. I’ve been running after her with one thing occupying my mind. When can we lay down somewhere and have sex?
“What do you care? You even said you don’t know anyone who lives out here,” she says. “It’s not like anyone’s going to recognize you.”
“Yeah, but still… You have an incredible body but I’m pretty chubby. People are going to run screaming,” I say.
“Butt, Butt!” she says, giving me a slap on the ass. “C’mon you wimp! All you have to do is follow me. In fact, I’ll make you a little deal. You follow me for the next five minutes, just five minutes. That’s it. And then I know this perfect little place where we can go and I’m going to fuck you silly.”
I cough. “You’re gonna fuck me silly?”
“That’s the deal,” she says. She doesn’t hint around at all. No glossy phrases like “make love” or “go to bed with you.” She gets right to the point. I think she’s won me over.
“Sold!! Sold to the naked guy with the painful erection in row four!!” I say in a mock auctioneer sounding voice.
“I knew you were cool,” she says, giving me a hug. “Ok, here are the rules: don’t stop for any reason, run as fast as you can, keep up with me and don’t lose me. Just follow the leader,” she says pointing to her ass.
“You sound like you’ve done this before.”
“Yeah, right,” she says.
“Now wait a minute,” I say as we start into the woods. “Are we really going to do this?” She grabs my hand and pulls me along. Yes, we’re really going to do this. We creep through the trees and sneak up on the parking lot. And there’s the school I saw from a distance when we were walking up the dirt road to the barn. It’s a parochial school with a large playground next door featuring a huge jungle gym, swings and a two-story slide built to look like a big rocketship.
As we reach the edge of the trees, I don’t know why, but for a second I feel like a kid on an imaginary “spy mission,” trying to get pictures of the new Russian M-1 rocketship. “Ok, this is the school. This is home base,” she says. “We’re gonna run through that strip mall over there.” She points to the deserted strip mall down the street. Thank god. It’s one of those old strip malls with a bunch of decrepit shops no one visits – that’ll be an easy one. “Then we run across Clayton Road right there, and over to the Taco Bell on the other side…”
“Clayton Road!” I interupt her. “Are we that far out?”
“Yeah, we’re near the intersection of Baxter and Clayton,” she says. Oh my God. I can’t believe we’re going to do this. This is a huge intersection. Two of the biggest roads in West County converge here.
“We’ll make a few loops through the Taco Bell, and then we’ll run back here.”
“Taco Bell! You were serious?!” I exclaim. “You want to run through there? It’s gonna be packed at this time of night.”
“That’s the whole point,” she says. I give this one some thought. I can’t even fathom what it’s going to be like running into a brightly lit Taco Bell with no clothes on. She presses her warm body up against me.
“And then I get my reward, right?”
“No, then I get my reward,” she says.
“We both do,” I say. She nods.
“Ok, Fuck. We need something here. We need… We can’t just start running,” I say. “I think we need some sort of team pep speech before the big event. So huddle up.” She comes in close and I grab her hands for the huddle. “Ok, this is gonna be the ‘Bare-ass Jack Daniel’s-fueled Switchback’ on five! Let’s make the coach proud! Team Naked is gonna win this one! They have clothes, we don’t and that makes us better than them!” I shout. “Ok, on Five!” I start rocking her hands up and down. She grins back at me. “One, Two, Three, Four, Five!!!!!!!!”
This is the stupidest thing I have ever done.
“WhhhooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooOoo!!!!!!” We go running across the parking lot and into the middle of West County with no clothes on. My eyes are everywhere at once. I wonder when we’ll be spotted first. “WhhhhooooOOOOooooOO!!!! WhooooOOOooooO!” The school goes by like nothing. It was nice and dark and of course closed. But now we’re in the glare of the streetlights — this is what separates the men from the boys, the clothed from the naked.
“YeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhH!!!!!!!!’ Elizabeth screams as we hit the edge of the strip mall. Now we’re in full view of Clayton Road and all of the cars driving past. I bust out laughing. There’s a old man at the light trying to make a left hand turn towards the school about twenty feet off. Up ahead, Elizabeth will be at his car in about three seconds. He hasn’t seen us yet but I’m pretty sure he’s going to have the honor of being the first person to spot the streakers.
He still hasn’t seen us yet. He’s totally immersed in looking at the light… until a completely naked girl runs right past his car! The look on his face can’t quite be captured in words. He took his hands off of the wheel. He squinted as if he wasn’t seeing reality. He looked like he was in shock. And then he just started grinning from ear to ear. Then another naked person comes running by. Me. I wave to him. He gives me the thumbs up.
Traffic is beginning to stop as we’re spotted. “WhooooooOOOOooooOOoooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!” we yell. We’re running perpendicular to the road on the sidewalk. Horns start honking. I hear people cheering and clapping out of their windows – a few wolf whistles. I can see some vague faces behind the windows of the car and every set of eyes is on us.
This is stupid. This is stupid. This is stupid!!!
Taco Bell isn’t too far up ahead. I can see their bell-shaped sign approaching. Shit, I can’t believe we’re going to do this. My adrenaline is racing out of control. But I can’t stop laughing or – “WhhhhhHOOOOOOOooOOOoOooooooooooooo!!!” In a little over twenty seconds we’ve brought the intersection of Clayton and Baxter to a standstill. People are pulling over to the shoulder to get a better view. The cheers and honking horns continue.
I see Elizabeth up ahead give some guy a high-five though the window of his car and as I angle around the car the hand is in the air again. It’s an upper class looking guy in his late fifties driving a BMW. He looks like someone’s dad. “You guys are great! You made my night!” he yells as I slap his hand and run past.
“Alright man!!” I say. “WHhoooOOOooooOooOOOOOO!!!!!!!!” I scream. Horns honk and people continue to cheer as we make the turn towards our final destination. I’ve managed to gain on Elizabeth and I’m about ten feet behind her as we race onto the driveway. The drive-through guy at the Taco Bell is going to be the first person to spot us in the restaurant.
He was starting to hand someone in a car their change back but now his mouth is wide open, his half extended hand still holding the change. I read on his face what he’s probably about to say into his drive-through headset microphone: “Incoming!! Incoming naked people, Twelve O’Clock!!!”
I can’t believe we’re doing this. The doors are only twenty feet ahead. At least two people in the restaurant have spotted us now and they’re pointing out the windows. Ohhhhhhh mannnn, here we go!!! This is it! Elizabeth is in! No turning back now. And I’m right behind her.
“WhoooOOOooooooOOOO!!!!!!!!!! WHhhhhhooooohhHHHHH!!!!!!!” we scream, running into the restaurant. People stop what they’re doing, burrito in hand – tacos still sideways in their mouths. There’s about thirty or forty people in the restaurant tonight and they all have the same look of utter amazement and shock on their faces as we come running in. For these folks it was a totally normal Wednesday night at the Taco Bell. They ordered their food. They sat down to put the hot sauce on their tacos. They put a napkin in their lap to catch all that Taco crap that always falls on you… and without warning, here comes a naked guy and a naked girl running through the restaurant whooping and screaming their heads off.
Suddenly I think this is going to go badly. People are looking at us like we are completely fucking insane. I would tend to agree with them. But for the Taco Bell folks, the shock wears off pretty quick. Now I get to see what was hidden behind all those cars and windshields. These people are smiling from ear to ear. The whole restaurant erupts into cheers and laughs as we circle back through the tables and through the dining area. The entire Taco Bell crew: manager, cooks, janitor – they’re all crammed up at the front counter in their purple uniforms cheering.
I can’t stop laughing or catch my breath. Who cares… I start jumping up and down and Elizabeth follows my lead, hopping around in between the tables. “WHoooooOOOOooooooohhhhhhhH!!!!!!!!! WhooooO!!! WHhhhhoooo!!!”
We’re making these people really happy. I don’t know what I expected but I didn’t expect all the smiles, cheers and laughs. But then again how often do you get to eat at a Taco Bell and have two naked people run through right? People of all ages are entertained. Except for one old woman who throws a Mexican pizza at me as I run past her table. She’s scowling, giving me this really evil look and I start to get upset about it but then I get to laughing even harder because this is a first in my life. No one has ever thrown a Mexican pizza at me when I was naked. An old lady threw a Mexican pizza at me when I was naked!
It only grazes me before hitting the floor. I get some beans on me but no big deal. I’m the naked guy! And the naked guy isn’t fazed by a little beans on his leg.
“Yeah Man, Make a run for the border!!” one guy yells as I run past his table.
“Yeah! Alright man! I will!” I scream. “WhhhhoOOOOoooOOOooo!!!!” Elizabeth is having so much fun she’s on her second pass across the restaurant – the encore performance. I can hear her giggling herself silly up ahead. People are starting to stream into the restaurant from the streets, apparently purely on the rumor of “streakers.” This is a gas.
I glance up at the staff and manager at the front counter and they’re still cheering us on but we should really get the hell out of here. I motion to Elizabeth to head for the door and I’m running past the front counter when the manager puts his hand up to stop me. My heart starts to freak out for a second but then I realize he’s still smiling. He hands me two big bags of food and claps me on the shoulder.
I think we’ve improved his sales for the night. There are twenty or thirty new people that just walked in. Elizabeth and I pause by the door, hold our bags of food in the air like trophies and bow a few times. Yeah, we’re hams. But we’re also naked. The applause are long and loud but there’s no time to stop and enjoy it. It’s time to run!
As we exit the restaurant I spot what looks like a cop car in the parking lot but as we run past, I notice it’s empty and the logo is for some home security company, probably one of our cheering fans inside. Then we’re off across the road again which is easy to do because traffic is still stopped. The cars have been watching the show through Taco Bell’s front windows. And a crowd is still standing outside their cars as we run past.
Someone slaps my ass as I run past a row of stopped cars and I glance back in time to see two high school age girls cheering as I’m running away. I throw them a thumbs up as I hit the strip mall parking lot.
Elizabeth is right ahead of me. I can still hear the cheers and horns behind us as we cut across the strip mall and into the welcome darkness of the school’s parking lot. We cut around the building and through the playground. “Up there,” she says, out of breath, pointing up at the rocketship slide.
“Climb up there!” she says.
“Let’s get into the woods and get the fuck out of here,” I say panting.
She grabs my hand and drags me up the slide. It takes us awhile to shimmy our way up to the top, especially with the two heaping bags of Taco Bell food. But as you might remember from childhood, bare skin has a way of sticking to slides. We drop into the nose cone of the rocketship and land on top of each other gasping for breath. The floor is steel and very cold but at this point it feels really good. I rise up to look out of one of the rocketship’s portholes but she pulls me back down on top of her.
“If you want, you can…” she says.
“Hey,” I interrupt her, putting a finger to her mouth. “I know what to do from here, thanks.” And then the worst sexual tension I think I’ve felt in my entire life suddenly gets some release, and we’re on each other in an instant like… like…
Like two lusty streakers in the nose cone of a rocketship.
<< Previous Chapter >> HEY! << Next Chapter >>